millionreasons: (billie)
I wrote a little poem to celebrate €vision on twitter:

Mute all the hashtags, cut off the mobile phone,
Shut up the naysayers with their whines and moans,
Mic up the pianos and un-muffle the drums,
Bring on Eurovision, let the euro camp come!

With apologies to WH Auden, but I'm not that sorry. He would've loved Eurovision. Earlier on in the day Mike Nolan from Bucks Fizz was on BBC Breafast, enjoying his reneewd 15 seconds of fame. For bands like BF and Lordi, this is as Xmas is for the Pogues or Slade. Little Mike seemed to be hoping for a big-shot producer to write a musical based on the songs of Buck Fizz, or the song of Bucks Fizz, as David put it. People are mean about Eurovision, but let's not forget that it's a massive anti-Farrage fest.

Anyway, first up: la France: I think they were going for Brigitte Bardot meet Debbie Harry, but it went wrong somewhere.

Lithuania: Interesting idea to call your shoe "Spain". The other one should be called Portugal, surely.

Molvania: Emilie Sand wearing a volcanic lampshade.

Finland: 50 Shades of White. Hen Party From Hell. Reindeer boiler. Very bracing. Or is it actually about marriage equality. Confused.

Spain: Going for the Irish vote, much?

Belgium: Remember that tour of Belgium Chris de Burgh did 18 years, 9 months ago? That Walloonian groupie? Yep.

I too have played a gig in Malmo. The venue was *almost* as big.

Belarus: Backing dancers appear to have nicked Kylie's Can't Get You Out Of My Head cowl. Nice europap drums and hey hey heys. Belarus, Belarus, can you do the fandango?

Malta: I think I've seen this lot at the Buffalo Bar. Risk Assessments are quite important, actually. And are there really people called Jeremy in Malta?

Russia: BRING BACK THE GRANNIES. Burying guns would create contaminated land, actually.

Germany: Eurodiscostonkeroonie.

Armenia: Tony Ferrino going for the backpacker stranded in Dortmund vote.

Holland: Sorry, did something just happen?

Romania: I'm not quite sure who he is going to impale, but I'm sure it'll be fun for the backing dancers. Rhyddian is taking notes.

UK: Now I like Bonnie, You like Bonnie. Everyone loves Holding Out For A Hero. But this is pants.

Sweden: More fake tan than the average Scouser.

Hungary: There's a Dalston in Budapest?

Denmark: More Irish vote-baiting. There're only 6 million people there you know, Europa.

Iceland: This is more like it. No fireworks, no interpretative dance, no campires. Just a beautiful song. I'm lying, obviously.

Azerbaijan: This is not what Gorbachev intended when he brought about Perestroika. I'm sneezing on every key change.

Greece: Ouzo! It make me happy! A lot of English tourists are going to get a shock when they go to Greece and find out that alcohol is not at all free.

Ukraine: Peaked too early with Igor the Giant.

Italy: Is Italian for meh, mehi? Meho? Meha? Mè?


Georgia: BORED NOW.

Ireland: Going for the pan-European twink and Stomp loving vote.

I thought Jean Paul Gaultier is meant to be a fashion designer - he's only got one top. If France win, will he and Antoine de Caunes host? If the UK win, Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox should reprise their presenting role. The song the host sings, about the Swedish Smorgasbord, of horse-flavoured meatballs, Ikea furniture you can't put up, gay marriage, men looking after the babies, is so much better than the official Swedish entry. I wonder if Jens Lekman is doing a little acoustic show behind the venue.

millionreasons: (wine)
Like war to Americans, Eurovision exists to teach British people about geography, but I still don't know where Moldova is. I didn't watch the semis so I was spoiler free; my warm up was down the Wetherspoons in Stoke Newington which had an odd mix of archetypal Wethy's old men who were waiting outside at 11 a.m. for it to open, some punks, and young women in dresses slightly too small for them, plus their admirers. So much for Wetherspoon's policy of no music, no TV: there was a DJ, two tellys and a barbecue doing burgers outside in the beer "garden". The punks were there to do a gig. The Hackney Secular Singers of which our chum Heike is a member, did three part harmony covers of Roxy Music, The Undertones, The Kinks, X Ray Specs and so on (more post- and proto-punk than punk, but who am I to quibble), and there was also a punk ukulele group, the Pukes (geddit) whose slogan was: "Too Drunk To Pluck". Unfortunately, we couldn't stay for them, we had to get back for the Eurotrash. We missed the 'Dink, so we were straight into Hungary being represented by Then Jericho, circa 1987. Next up were Albania, Munch's The Scream personified. It's no wonder people are always trying to go all genocidal on their asses.

Then Lithuania. I didn't understand this song. It went from sappy ballad to disco-lite with Bros-type growls and bad dancing and then back again. Bosnia& Herzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzegovina were followed by the Russian grannies. This is what happens when communism collapses and OAPs are forced into the entertainment industry. Jesus, these women lived through Stalin's purges, haven't they suffered enough? I was disappointed by Iceland's orchestral goth. They can do so much better. Cyprus did the first good entry - a disco stomper sung by someone who could possibly be a transsexual. That's what Eurovision is all about.

France next. For a performance featuring so many half-naked gyrating men, this was quite dull. Deux points. Italy was an Amy Winehouse impersonator but with less stumbling, slurring and forgetting the words. Estonia was the worst of the night: sappy ballad sung by Gary Barlow after a month's cabbage soup diet. Norway did very badly but I liked their pretty boy Kylie-esque disco. Azerbhaijan: great dress, poor song. I seem to have forgotten to write anything about Greece. As I remember, the singer seemed to have seen a lot of Beyonce videos. I liked Romania: Bagpipes, tuba, hey! hey! hey!s. Denmark were disappointing for a country that produced Sarah Lund.

I thought Crystal Castles might want their schtick back from Sweden, but they were worthy winners. Turkey: the batmen. There seems to be a goth revival sweeping Europe. Are the Cure on tour? I had to play Spain's best ever entry over this year's as it was so dull. Germany: Finn from Glee would cover this when he feels sad about Rachel being annoying, or something. Malta: Whereas Artie from Glee would do this one with Mercedes and Brittany dancing around his wheelchair. Then Madeconia FYR but not FTW. Jedward representing Jedward were not quite as good as last year and seemed to have come dressed as Game of Thrones in space, but they were entertaining amongst the dull ballads. Serbia reminded me of a Benidorm club singer, and then it was my fave of the night, Ukraine: up-tempo song sang in tune by a babe with a voice who didn't dance like a stripper (I'm looking at you, Greece) squelchy noises and fake trumpets. Good work, "the" Ukraine. And finally, Molvdova bringing the crazy like only a made up country can do.
millionreasons: (wine)
Finland: Eco-babble from a schoolboy who wants to grow up to be a librarian.
Bosnia & Eva Herzigova: I think this needs a dubstep remix to give it some life, it's pretty dull, even with the waving
Denmark: Hang on, Jedward are singing for Ireland, aren't they? They rhymed girl with world. FAIL.
Lithuania: Is this song from Miss Saigon or something? Dreary. Where's the up tempo Euro-gay stomper songs?
Hungary: Here's my up tempo gay Euro-stomperina! I prefer her blueness to Blue
Oirland: My lovely horse, it's Jedward! This is the best Irish entry since Dustin the Singing Turkey.
Sweden: Ooh cutie pie! Sounds like the theme tune to an American soap about spoiled teens. Key change! Muscly boys! Ace
Estonia: I don't understand this. What's it trying to do? It's sort of like a Broadway show tune meets disco. Is this what Avenue Q is like?
Greece: I'm not surprised they're bankrupt
Disappointed that Israel aren't in it, so that people can complain about Israel not being in Europe
Russia: I hope Putin has them shot
France: The French Rhydian
Italy: They're back! back! back! But they shouldn't have bothered.
Switzerland: Ukelele. So 2007. Wins 10 points for dress, loses 10 for rinky dinky tinky song. So, nul points
Uk: "You cannot vote for the United Kingdom". That's probably a good thing. Actually, this aint half bad. It doesn't mean that Lee Ryan isn't a wanker though
Molvania Moldova: gnome hats! Beastie boys beats! Gary Glitter on bass! Fairy lady on unicycle with pretend instrument!
Germany: A de-gothed Lena. "Taken by a stranger " - is this about Maddie?
Romania: You see BNP, the problem isn't Romanians coming to the UK, it's economic migrants from Newton Aycliffe going to to Romania
Austria: Katinka from Zoolander
Azerbajorian: Bring back Stalin
Slovenia: I like her frock. That's all I have to say
Iceland: Boo. Iceland are usually brilliant. This is meh to the m to the e to the h. They're usually busking outside Reykjavik's Gap store.
Spain: Not as good as Chki Chiki from 2008. Spain should have given up after that
Ukraine: The sand "artist" could support Iceland in their busking efforts
One country should put up a living statue as a contestant.
Serbia: The 60s finally reach Yugoslavia
Georgia: Sorry, I went to the loo. What'd I miss?
Should be able to vote for the one you want to taken round the back and bludgeoned
Ok: Moldova, Hungary, Sweden, Ireland, UK in that order. It'll be France though. Greece is my fave for nul points.
Why aren't Chechnya in this?
Is this decided by the AV voting system?
Uk are 1st. Like the beginning of the football season when Blackpool are top of the Premier League.
These talking heads should be allowed 5 seconds to speak, no singing.
There are too many countries in Europe. Bloody Gorbachev.
Blue are probably pissing outside a Dusseldorf bank as we speak.
Which was the Azerbhaji song again? The beige one?
I wonder if Nigel Farrage is watching this.
Uk are the West Brom of Eurovision.
millionreasons: (karen)
1) Azerbhaijan. Mariah would have rejected this song. Whitney might have taken it.

2) Spain. Mick Hucknall and Leo Sayer's evil love child. Marionettes. Accordians. Stage invasions! The stage invader was the best thing.

Norway. Auditioning for a part on whatever the BBC and A Lloyd Webber put together next. Where is Morten Harket when you need him?

Molvania Moldova. This is more like it! Disco stomper with Bladerunner eyeshadow, neon violin and a thrusting saxaphone. Best so far.

Cyprus-cum-Newport. X Factor tween fave. Poor.

Bosnia and Eva Herzigová: Inspirational slogans slung over some tragic hair-rock sung by a near baldie. Ooh, key change!

Belgium. The most lawless country in Europe presents the most anodyne song, presumably not to offend the Walloons or the Flems.

Serbia. Balkan reggae! The sunger makes Kurt from Glee look like Henry Rollins. Slobodan Milosovic is wishing he's done that ethnic cleansing a bit more thoroughly.

Belarus belarus can you do the fandango? No, apparently not. The Brady Bunch meets the Stepford Wives.

Ireland. Johnny Logan being sick on Dunstan the singing turkey would be better than this. They should have put up Mary Robinson and her toyboy.

Greece I can imagine throwing plates to this. Pretty catchy and I'm a sucker for a boy in a white jumpsuit.

Uk. That sounds flat to me. Louis Walsh would go mad for this. Me, not so much. I think Rick Astley would have refused this song, but at least he isn't being hit in the face with a violin like Jade last year. I wonder if he'll appear on Coach Trip like Scooch did? 

13) Georgia. Like a Heart song, just not as good.

Turkey. Orchestral rock! Robots! Flying V guitars! Wind machine! Boys in black make-up! I quite like it.

Albania. This is ace! La Roux meets Gloria Gaynor with violins and gospel singers. Expect a Mark Ronson remix to hit the clubs.

Iceland. Who ate all the puffins? Brilliant! I love this! This is what Eurovision is about, not those sappy ballads. Iceland FTW!!!!

Ukraine. Way to bring the mood down, "The" Ukraine. Avril Lavigne after taking 30 paracetamol.

Recessional France embraces kwaito as world cup theme AND euro-entry. John Motson would describe it as vibrant.

Romania. The disco René and Renata. Or do I mean Elton and Kiki.

Russia. Dmitry Medvedev ringing up Ukraine and Belarus and telling them he'll turn the gas off if they don't vote for it.Why don't Chechnya enter? I bet their entry would be explosive.

Albania. I wish Albie the Racist Dragon would come along and flame this.

Germany. Goth Amy Pond meets Kate Nash.

Portugal. I'm running out of insults. Let's just say Nul Points and move on. Next!

Israel. As Israel is not in Europe, I'm boycotting this song.

Denmark Ev'ry breath you take, every move you make, no-one will be watching you cos you're RUBBISH. John Hughes would have used this in the big emotional scene with Molly and Andrew or Emilio and Allie.

Spain again. Not as good as "Baila el Chiki-chiki" from 2008. But what is?

January 2017

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