It's the most wonderful time of the year

Like war to Americans, Eurovision exists to teach British people about geography, but I still don't know where Moldova is. I didn't watch the semis so I was spoiler free; my warm up was down the Wetherspoons in Stoke Newington which had an odd mix of archetypal Wethy's old men who were waiting outside at 11 a.m. for it to open, some punks, and young women in dresses slightly too small for them, plus their admirers. So much for Wetherspoon's policy of no music, no TV: there was a DJ, two tellys and a barbecue doing burgers outside in the beer "garden". The punks were there to do a gig. The Hackney Secular Singers of which our chum Heike is a member, did three part harmony covers of Roxy Music, The Undertones, The Kinks, X Ray Specs and so on (more post- and proto-punk than punk, but who am I to quibble), and there was also a punk ukulele group, the Pukes (geddit) whose slogan was: "Too Drunk To Pluck". Unfortunately, we couldn't stay for them, we had to get back for the Eurotrash. We missed the 'Dink, so we were straight into Hungary being represented by Then Jericho, circa 1987. Next up were Albania, Munch's The Scream personified. It's no wonder people are always trying to go all genocidal on their asses.

Then Lithuania. I didn't understand this song. It went from sappy ballad to disco-lite with Bros-type growls and bad dancing and then back again. Bosnia& Herzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzegovina were followed by the Russian grannies. This is what happens when communism collapses and OAPs are forced into the entertainment industry. Jesus, these women lived through Stalin's purges, haven't they suffered enough? I was disappointed by Iceland's orchestral goth. They can do so much better. Cyprus did the first good entry - a disco stomper sung by someone who could possibly be a transsexual. That's what Eurovision is all about.

France next. For a performance featuring so many half-naked gyrating men, this was quite dull. Deux points. Italy was an Amy Winehouse impersonator but with less stumbling, slurring and forgetting the words. Estonia was the worst of the night: sappy ballad sung by Gary Barlow after a month's cabbage soup diet. Norway did very badly but I liked their pretty boy Kylie-esque disco. Azerbhaijan: great dress, poor song. I seem to have forgotten to write anything about Greece. As I remember, the singer seemed to have seen a lot of Beyonce videos. I liked Romania: Bagpipes, tuba, hey! hey! hey!s. Denmark were disappointing for a country that produced Sarah Lund.

I thought Crystal Castles might want their schtick back from Sweden, but they were worthy winners. Turkey: the batmen. There seems to be a goth revival sweeping Europe. Are the Cure on tour? I had to play Spain's best ever entry over this year's as it was so dull. Germany: Finn from Glee would cover this when he feels sad about Rachel being annoying, or something. Malta: Whereas Artie from Glee would do this one with Mercedes and Brittany dancing around his wheelchair. Then Madeconia FYR but not FTW. Jedward representing Jedward were not quite as good as last year and seemed to have come dressed as Game of Thrones in space, but they were entertaining amongst the dull ballads. Serbia reminded me of a Benidorm club singer, and then it was my fave of the night, Ukraine: up-tempo song sang in tune by a babe with a voice who didn't dance like a stripper (I'm looking at you, Greece) squelchy noises and fake trumpets. Good work, "the" Ukraine. And finally, Molvdova bringing the crazy like only a made up country can do.