millionreasons | Hollywoodland

Hollywood ran out of ideas around 1990 and now makes nothing but remakes, franchises and sequels. So I thought I'd pitch some ideas.

Pretty In White

Andie (Katherine Heigl or Christina Applegate ~~or Brittany Murphy~~) is dithering about whether she should get married to Blaine (Ashton Kutcher). She takes advice from Iona (Zooey Deschanel) who tells her that she always feels something was missing in her life because she never got married. She has an on/off relationship with Duckie (Michael Cera) who may or may not be the father of her child, Otis. Andie decides she will marry Blaine, but re-enter Steph (Colin Farrell) who gets Andie drunk, snogs her, then posts the photos on the internet. Eventually Andie makes Blaine realise that it was all a terrible misunderstanding and the wedding is back on. Andie makes her own wedding dress (sewing montage) and all is fine until Steph, accidentally on purpose, throws beetroot juice (from the juice bar that Iona now owns following the demise of her record shop) all over the dress. Andie decides to dye the whole dress pink, and she and Blaine marry. Andie is given away by Molly Ringwald who makes a cameo appearance as Andie's long lost mum. At the ceremony, Ilana tells Duckie that she doesn't know if he is her son's bio-dad but it doesn't matter because he's a great father to him anyway and they should all move in together. Duckie makes a mix-tape for his child.

The Man Who Played With Ice

After the success of the Stieg Larsson adaptations, Hollywood looks further north to Iceland and the Arnaldur Indridason crime series. Inspector Erlendur (Tom Hanks) and his deputy Elinborg (Julia Roberts) investigate murders in Reykjavik involving snow mobile chases across the glaciers, CGI puffins dancing, and elves whispering the murderer's name to Erlendur in a dream. The sexual tension between Erlendur and Elinborg is never resolved, leaving the door open for 2 or 3 sequels.

Meet the Moomins

Pixar animated film starring Robert de Niro and Renee Zwallegger as Moomin Papa and Moomin Mama, and Ellen Page and Justin Bieber as the Snork Maiden and Moomintroll. Special guest star Hugh Laurie plays the Hemlyn. Takes all the magic from the books by adding adult jokes that the kids won't get, turning the Hattifatteners into Muslim metaphors and manipulating the emotions so that Snuffkin leaving Moomin Valley is analogous to growing up which makes all the grown ups cry. The sexual tension between Moomintroll and the Snork Maiden is never resolved, leaving the door open for 2 or 3 sequels.

Brad's Bar

Brad (Bruce Willis) owns a coffee shop in Baghdad. All is going fine until Saddam invades Kuwait and a woman (Sandra Bullock) he had an affair with in Turkey a few years previously comes into his café for a skinny double shot low fat mocha. Of all the coffee shops in all the world, why did you have to come into mine? he asks her. You could have just gone to Starbucks. Brad comes to realise that his liberal principles don't work in a world where a man like Saddam can try to control the whole of the middle east and he starts gun running for the American forces. Heroically saving Ilsa, her husband, and his humorous sidekick Ali (Omar Djalli), Brad tries single handedly to take out Saddam, only to be stopped by a kindly Major who tells him, with a wink: “We have to withdraw, but don't worry, son, we'll get him next time”. The last scene is Saddam in his palace secretly making WMD, leaving the door open for 2 or 3 sequels....