millionreasons (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
millionreasons) wrote2022-08-26 01:45 pm
millionreasons) wrote2022-08-26 01:45 pm
Thoughts on being ill
I've always thought that if i had a serious illness, I'd do malicious and vindictive things that I wouldn't dare do in normal times, like acquiring a cattle prod and using it to get through crowds, emailing one specific person to tell her she's a self-righteous hypocrite and my life was made immeasurably better when she moved away, or dropping heavy objects on the bonnets of cars that park outside our house and play loud music or idle their engines. On the less malevolent side, I thought it'd be nice to go to places I've never been (Not Disneyland).
But when you're ill, your purview becomes a lot narrower. I just want to be better, I want to be well, that is all I want. Oh and to see the sea.
Hospitals are like airports, with the same personnel. At the top of the hierarchy is the consultant (the pilot), then the drs and surgeons are the co-pilots, the admin staff the air traffic controllers, the porters the luggage guys. And the nurses are of course the cabin crew, who look after you and bring you food and drink and are nice or indifferent according to their whims and personalities. You're waiting around for hours, no-one gives you any information and things don't happen when they're supposed to.
Talking of admin staff, the hospital care has been very good but the administration is fairly hopeless. I ws given an appointment for bank holiday Monday by phone, but received no confirmation letter. At one of my out patients appointments i queried this and was told it had been requested but not booked but I should still turn up. I didn't want to schlepp to the hospital on a bank holiday only to find out there was no appointment, so I called my support worker. She confirmed that it was happening, only to ring back 15 mins later to tell me that the relevant department claimed it had never been booked and of course it wouldn't be booked for a bank holiday and it was ridiculous to suggest it had been. I mean. Come on.
However, this is kind of a good thing that you have to keep advocating for yourself. It's very easy just to be ill, to be passive and dependent. When I was in hospital having fluid drained, a nurse asked David if i'd finished with my dinner plates, as if i couldn't answer myself.
That said, I bless the memory of the OG socialist Nye Bevan and the 1945 Labour government who made it possible for me to have all this treatment without going bankrupt or having to cook meth (I'm sure I'd be very bad at that).
"I would rather be kept alive in the efficient if cold altruism of a large hospital than expire in a gush of warm sympathy in a small one."
I'm not jealous of other people going about their normal lives, but i am jealous of my younger self - by which I mean me before 18th July, which is when I started to feel ill. I look at my Facebook photos from, like, June and think: that poor innocentgirl middle aged woman.
Also re: Facebook, I look at my FB memories most days to see what I was doing on this day in history (back to 2008 anyway). At the beginning I used FB more like twitter to make funny/moany/dumb comments. One thing I wrote was: "i wish i was an invalid, lying on the chaise longue, being exhorted to "try a little something", Yep that's the life for me." Be careful what you wish for seems to be the maxim here.
One thing a nurse said to me that resonated was that it's often harder for those who've never been ill to come to terms with cancer. I had the usual childbhood things and I've had colds and migraines and sciatica and Covid, but I've never been ill-ill. The last time I had to stay in bed for more than a day was Xmas 1998 when I had a chest infection. I've always prided myself on my tough immune system. No longer.
It's weird who gets in touch with you and who doesn't. I 've received lovely messages from people i haven't spoken to for years and invitations to go recuperate in Melbourne, Kenya, Wiltshire. One friend even offered to pay for me and Dave to go on holiday! But then people who you consider close friends don't say anything, including those who have been ill themselves and know what it's like. I'm trying to focus on the positives though (apart from when I don't want to).
Speaking of positives, i now get free prescriptions and will be able to access free massage, shiatsu or aromatherapy. I told my mother this (not the world's cheeriest person) and she said: "Well I'm sure you'd rather pay for those things and not have cancer." Touché, mother, touché.
But when you're ill, your purview becomes a lot narrower. I just want to be better, I want to be well, that is all I want. Oh and to see the sea.
Hospitals are like airports, with the same personnel. At the top of the hierarchy is the consultant (the pilot), then the drs and surgeons are the co-pilots, the admin staff the air traffic controllers, the porters the luggage guys. And the nurses are of course the cabin crew, who look after you and bring you food and drink and are nice or indifferent according to their whims and personalities. You're waiting around for hours, no-one gives you any information and things don't happen when they're supposed to.
Talking of admin staff, the hospital care has been very good but the administration is fairly hopeless. I ws given an appointment for bank holiday Monday by phone, but received no confirmation letter. At one of my out patients appointments i queried this and was told it had been requested but not booked but I should still turn up. I didn't want to schlepp to the hospital on a bank holiday only to find out there was no appointment, so I called my support worker. She confirmed that it was happening, only to ring back 15 mins later to tell me that the relevant department claimed it had never been booked and of course it wouldn't be booked for a bank holiday and it was ridiculous to suggest it had been. I mean. Come on.
However, this is kind of a good thing that you have to keep advocating for yourself. It's very easy just to be ill, to be passive and dependent. When I was in hospital having fluid drained, a nurse asked David if i'd finished with my dinner plates, as if i couldn't answer myself.
That said, I bless the memory of the OG socialist Nye Bevan and the 1945 Labour government who made it possible for me to have all this treatment without going bankrupt or having to cook meth (I'm sure I'd be very bad at that).
"I would rather be kept alive in the efficient if cold altruism of a large hospital than expire in a gush of warm sympathy in a small one."
I'm not jealous of other people going about their normal lives, but i am jealous of my younger self - by which I mean me before 18th July, which is when I started to feel ill. I look at my Facebook photos from, like, June and think: that poor innocent
Also re: Facebook, I look at my FB memories most days to see what I was doing on this day in history (back to 2008 anyway). At the beginning I used FB more like twitter to make funny/moany/dumb comments. One thing I wrote was: "i wish i was an invalid, lying on the chaise longue, being exhorted to "try a little something", Yep that's the life for me." Be careful what you wish for seems to be the maxim here.
One thing a nurse said to me that resonated was that it's often harder for those who've never been ill to come to terms with cancer. I had the usual childbhood things and I've had colds and migraines and sciatica and Covid, but I've never been ill-ill. The last time I had to stay in bed for more than a day was Xmas 1998 when I had a chest infection. I've always prided myself on my tough immune system. No longer.
It's weird who gets in touch with you and who doesn't. I 've received lovely messages from people i haven't spoken to for years and invitations to go recuperate in Melbourne, Kenya, Wiltshire. One friend even offered to pay for me and Dave to go on holiday! But then people who you consider close friends don't say anything, including those who have been ill themselves and know what it's like. I'm trying to focus on the positives though (apart from when I don't want to).
Speaking of positives, i now get free prescriptions and will be able to access free massage, shiatsu or aromatherapy. I told my mother this (not the world's cheeriest person) and she said: "Well I'm sure you'd rather pay for those things and not have cancer." Touché, mother, touché.
no subject
Same! I have many early posts in the third person, when FB encouraged people to write in that voice.
I'll go to the sea with you if you wish. x