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The meat eaters are angry. They're fed up of vegan versions of their favourite snacks and junk food. They're tired of being lectured by smug vegetarians about the need to divest from carnivoreism in order to save the planet. They, egged on by provocateurs-for-hire, start saying that cheese must be made from milk, sausage rolls should be at least 25% porcine and burgers comprise cows, not chickpeas! The right wing press joins in, The Daily Mail screaming that Hitler was a vegetarian. The Express asks "IS VEGANISM RUINING YOUR CHILD'S LIFE?" A new party, mainly made up of men in their 50s or 60s with a golf club membership, is formed and is named the Meat Party (MP). They start gaining votes in council elections and then they get their first MP MEP in a Lancashire constituency (campainging with the slogan of Make Pies Meat Again).
The government start to worry that there will soon be a MP MP and decide to the play the Meat Party at their own game. They call a referendum with the single, simple Y/N question: "Should eating meat be made compulsory?" There is much campaigning on each side, with opposition MPs showing their support for an omnivorous diet by eating both a meat and a vegetable pasty at some Northern railway station. The Opposition leaders says that he's only 70% in favour of vegetarianism. Cornwall starts its own campaign that Cornish pasties can only contain: meat, potatoes, swede and cannot, repeat cannot, be made in Devon.
Eventually, referendum day arrives and despite Project Deer (the fear that everyone will be forced into hunting wild animals for their meat rations), the result is 52/48% in favour of the Yes vote. "It was only supposed to be advisory!" shout outraged vegetarians. You lost your lentils, get clover (fed beef) it, squawk the Remeaters. "We'll Meat Again" is the inevitable tabloid headline. The No vote, the Leafers, quickly split into factions with the FBPV vegans yelling that milk is murder to the centrist vegetarians. There are many earnest, soul-searching leader articles in the Guardian about how the left-behinds of Wigan & Doncaster just want a simple meat pie for their tea (supper), not to be forced into a liberal metropolitan elite diet of hummus and focaccia. Lisa Nandy changes her name to Nandos and talks about how towns just love a full English fry-up. An effigy of the late Linda McCartney is burned in the streets of Sunderland. Eggs are thrown at suspected vegans. Vegetarian restaurants start to go bust. Quorn says it's pulling out of Britain.
There are many demonstrations, including people who voted Yes and then regretted it: "I didn't realise that it would mean I would have to eat meat every day! I was just angry because I'd bought a fake chicken burger in Burger King and I was so annoyed I voted Meat!" says one fellow from Surrey. Heather Mills and Benjamin Zephaniah lead the speeches.
The NHS warns that it won't be able to cope with the increase in heart disease, strokes and bowel cancer if everyone eats meat on a daily basis. A secret report is leaked from the Treasury stating that the balance of trade will be severely affected by the need to import more meat. Climate change activists take over Whitehall, before being tear-gassed by police. There is a resurgence of interest in the music of Howard Jones. The Sun tracks down his interpretive dancer Jed, who says he enjoys a ham sandwich now and again. Gary Linekar is accused of being a hypocrite as he voted No, but was once seen eating osso bucco.
The Prime Minster resigns and is replaced by a cookie monster whose slogan, "Get Meat Well Done", plays well with the populace.
The Remeaters start complaining about the Leafers, saying that they should be arguing about what kind of meat they will be eating (rree range, organic, battery farmed) but the Leafers retort that they don't want to eat any meat. The Mail starts a Traitors column, naming and shaming prominent vegetarians. Paul McCartney has to go into hiding.
There are rallies of OAPs, wearing suits with a sausage motif and waving steak flags. There are counter rallies with banners (much shared on social media) stating: Leaf Meat Alone, Quorn Again, Remeat has no Remit, and Hail Seitan. Nigel Silage leads a march from the north to London, stopping at every McDonalds on the way. 5 of the 20 participants have to be hospitalised with high blood pressure and heart palpitations.
Christmas is very awkward.
A Facebook post in which a baby-boomer states that we need to get back to the past, when lunch was dinner and involved liver and onions, steak and kidney pie, spam fritters or potted meat sandwiches, this is when Briton (sic) was truly graet (sic) goes viral. A 75 year old says she voted Yes because she was worried that her newly vegan grand-daughter would become anaemic.
The Hindu Association of Great Britain launch a legal campaign against the government. Prominent Jewish and Muslim organisations say they're more than happy to eat non-pork Kosher or Halal meat, but bacon is unacceptable. Various racists say to people who've lived in the UK all their lives that they should go back to where they come from if they don't like "our" rules. The Sun starts its Shop A Vegan Campaign. "Seen a neighbour eating tofu? Ring our helpline."
Finally, Meat Day arrives, although Big Ben can't bong it in as a piece of chorizo has got stuck in the clapper. The government promises a grand festival of meat, celebrating the great British banger (made from French horse meat). Danish bacon, New Zealand lamb and Argentinian steaks. FBPV try to get a new version of Let it Be (Lettuce Be) by Alfie Boington-Blake to number 1. Meat is Murder gets there instead. Morrissey is forgiven everything. Leafers start wearing George Bernard Shaw t-shirts and badges to show solidarity. Vegan separatists threaten to leave the UK and move to Berlin. There is further conflict between vegetarians and pescatarians. A man following the tenets of Jainims is deported, despite having a British passport.
Remeaters start complaining about the queues in butcher's shops. "This isn't the Remeat we voted for!"
The government start to worry that there will soon be a MP MP and decide to the play the Meat Party at their own game. They call a referendum with the single, simple Y/N question: "Should eating meat be made compulsory?" There is much campaigning on each side, with opposition MPs showing their support for an omnivorous diet by eating both a meat and a vegetable pasty at some Northern railway station. The Opposition leaders says that he's only 70% in favour of vegetarianism. Cornwall starts its own campaign that Cornish pasties can only contain: meat, potatoes, swede and cannot, repeat cannot, be made in Devon.
Eventually, referendum day arrives and despite Project Deer (the fear that everyone will be forced into hunting wild animals for their meat rations), the result is 52/48% in favour of the Yes vote. "It was only supposed to be advisory!" shout outraged vegetarians. You lost your lentils, get clover (fed beef) it, squawk the Remeaters. "We'll Meat Again" is the inevitable tabloid headline. The No vote, the Leafers, quickly split into factions with the FBPV vegans yelling that milk is murder to the centrist vegetarians. There are many earnest, soul-searching leader articles in the Guardian about how the left-behinds of Wigan & Doncaster just want a simple meat pie for their tea (supper), not to be forced into a liberal metropolitan elite diet of hummus and focaccia. Lisa Nandy changes her name to Nandos and talks about how towns just love a full English fry-up. An effigy of the late Linda McCartney is burned in the streets of Sunderland. Eggs are thrown at suspected vegans. Vegetarian restaurants start to go bust. Quorn says it's pulling out of Britain.
There are many demonstrations, including people who voted Yes and then regretted it: "I didn't realise that it would mean I would have to eat meat every day! I was just angry because I'd bought a fake chicken burger in Burger King and I was so annoyed I voted Meat!" says one fellow from Surrey. Heather Mills and Benjamin Zephaniah lead the speeches.
The NHS warns that it won't be able to cope with the increase in heart disease, strokes and bowel cancer if everyone eats meat on a daily basis. A secret report is leaked from the Treasury stating that the balance of trade will be severely affected by the need to import more meat. Climate change activists take over Whitehall, before being tear-gassed by police. There is a resurgence of interest in the music of Howard Jones. The Sun tracks down his interpretive dancer Jed, who says he enjoys a ham sandwich now and again. Gary Linekar is accused of being a hypocrite as he voted No, but was once seen eating osso bucco.
The Prime Minster resigns and is replaced by a cookie monster whose slogan, "Get Meat Well Done", plays well with the populace.
The Remeaters start complaining about the Leafers, saying that they should be arguing about what kind of meat they will be eating (rree range, organic, battery farmed) but the Leafers retort that they don't want to eat any meat. The Mail starts a Traitors column, naming and shaming prominent vegetarians. Paul McCartney has to go into hiding.
There are rallies of OAPs, wearing suits with a sausage motif and waving steak flags. There are counter rallies with banners (much shared on social media) stating: Leaf Meat Alone, Quorn Again, Remeat has no Remit, and Hail Seitan. Nigel Silage leads a march from the north to London, stopping at every McDonalds on the way. 5 of the 20 participants have to be hospitalised with high blood pressure and heart palpitations.
Christmas is very awkward.
A Facebook post in which a baby-boomer states that we need to get back to the past, when lunch was dinner and involved liver and onions, steak and kidney pie, spam fritters or potted meat sandwiches, this is when Briton (sic) was truly graet (sic) goes viral. A 75 year old says she voted Yes because she was worried that her newly vegan grand-daughter would become anaemic.
The Hindu Association of Great Britain launch a legal campaign against the government. Prominent Jewish and Muslim organisations say they're more than happy to eat non-pork Kosher or Halal meat, but bacon is unacceptable. Various racists say to people who've lived in the UK all their lives that they should go back to where they come from if they don't like "our" rules. The Sun starts its Shop A Vegan Campaign. "Seen a neighbour eating tofu? Ring our helpline."
Finally, Meat Day arrives, although Big Ben can't bong it in as a piece of chorizo has got stuck in the clapper. The government promises a grand festival of meat, celebrating the great British banger (made from French horse meat). Danish bacon, New Zealand lamb and Argentinian steaks. FBPV try to get a new version of Let it Be (Lettuce Be) by Alfie Boington-Blake to number 1. Meat is Murder gets there instead. Morrissey is forgiven everything. Leafers start wearing George Bernard Shaw t-shirts and badges to show solidarity. Vegan separatists threaten to leave the UK and move to Berlin. There is further conflict between vegetarians and pescatarians. A man following the tenets of Jainims is deported, despite having a British passport.
Remeaters start complaining about the queues in butcher's shops. "This isn't the Remeat we voted for!"
